Yesterday I started my art class at the junior college. I’ve never felt so old and depressed in my life. Not about the class; the class looks fun. But out of the 20 or so students that will be making the semester journey with me, I’m one of four returning students (that’s what they call us old people) and 16 eleven year olds. At least, they look eleven. And kind of act eleven. I have taken a vow of silence in order to not become one of the annoying “old” students who monopolizes the conversation in class and acts like a know it all. I hated those students my first go-round in college and since there’s already two in my class, I find that I still hate them just as much.

There’s one know-it-all suck up (tell us about your background in art and what media you like to work with, professor) and there’s one super old guy who’s never taken an art class before and requires extremely specific instructions about everything (now how do I know I’m buying pastels? Does it say so on the box?). Sigh. Do not kill anyone with my protractor, that is my singular goal this semester.

I love being on campus though. Love it. I did some work in the food court yesterday and watched three geeks play some Magic type card game. I wandered halls looking at student art work. I enjoyed the spacious seating and outlets in the library and finally for the first time in my life, I got a cute student ID photo taken. I can’t wait to take more classes. If I weren’t so busy with writing books right now, I’d add at least one more.

Meanwhile back in Stick Your Head in the Oven land… I had met this really good looking guy a while back and then didn’t run into him again until last week right before my trip. He was still really good looking but this time he had … a wedding ring. THIS is exactly why I have put a moratorium on dating. As soon as I saw that (he must have slipped it off last time we chatted at the bar), I made my hasty exit. No thanks.

I’ve decided to get serious about this whole “work” thing and that means having a space where I can really sit at a desk and work on my computer. In light of that, I went to my favorite thrift store to find a shitty computer desk that I can stuff into my 2X2 kitchen. Lo and behold, the hot thrift store guy was working. After stalking him a little a few months back, I found that he, too, has a girlfriend and so he became one of the untouchables. But that did not stop me from letting him sell me a desk for $10 – then he put the moves on me at my car. Yeaaaaahhhhh…no. Not interested. Even more interesting (read: off-putting) is that I offered friendship instead of illicit fornication and he replied with “no, to me that’s worse.” So being casual friends with someone is somehow worse than sticking your pee-pee into them behind your long term baby momma’s back… nice. Some days I wonder if I’m part of the human race at all.

Thank God the holidays are over. Really. I was the ultimate grinch this year. I bought presents for two toys for tots kids and that’s it. I baked cookies and only gave them to two people. I threw the rest out. I didn’t buy or make or send a single card to anyone I know (although I did send three xmas cards to soldiers serving overseas). There were no holiday decorations, no tree, not even the wreath I said I was going to buy. I couldn’t wait for the season to be OVER.

Now it’s New Year’s Day and time for resolutions. (If you’re wondering what I did last night, party animal that I am – I ate too much fancy cheese, drank some ginger ale and watched a lot of Star Trek TNG. I might have also had some Ben and Jerry’s).

I got up and cleaned and organized my kitchen because one of my resolutions involves menu planning. That’s the other thing I did this morning – planned the next week’s worth of meals and organized my cookbooks.

My father’s surgery didn’t go well and I’m taking a trip to see him next week. He’s been told that there are no more treatments available. My father turned 60 last month.

It made me think of all the time I waste, vegging out, zoning out, spacing out – doing nothing, sitting on my ass, trying to avoid responsibility or leaving the house (that’s mostly an effort to save money, leave the house = gas, sometimes food, purchases, etc…). I think that there are better things I could be doing with my time and for myself.

Did I mention that threw out all the junk food this morning? Yep – all of the stuff I had for baking cookies and treats (goodbye remaining Nilla wafer left over from rum balls and goodbye hot fudge!). My one remaining treat is some hot chocolate mix that someone gave me for xmas with homemade marshmallows and a candy cane. I will have that tonight after dinner.

As an incentive, I am redoing my two family recipe books and to atone for my appalling lack of holiday spirit (no matter how understandable), I am going to make some gifts for the people in my family and my dearest friends and give them to them throughout the year at random intervals. A few years ago I stopped feeling constrained by holidays and birthdays for gift giving. Isn’t it more delightful to receive something unexpectedly anyway?

So the menu planning dovetails nicely with my diet – I must lose the weight I’ve put on since returning to the land of delicious cheese and gourmet pizza. I am transcending the need for food through the use of tea. I have a pretty tea pot and am on the lookout for some nice tea cups. I have 9 kinds of tea to suit any mood. Instead of snacking between meals, I shall have tea. Loads and loads of tea. (well, maybe I will make little tea sandwiches because I can but they will be healthy like watercress or smoked salmon).

Meanwhile for my professional resolution I will write a best selling novel and also, stop accepting book deals to write on topics that I know nothing about. Turns out that’s a lot of extra work.

I will make the leaderboard on the pool league.

I think that’s about it. It’s going to be a very, very hard year for me as it is and I don’t want to overwhelm myself with too much.

I will tell you this though – I spent about 20 hours with much consternation over the fact that I have no tea kettle – I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to make tea without one. I tried heating up water in the microwave but I only have a 2-cup measuring cup that’s microwave safe. Finally, after much deliberation the answer came to me in an epiphany: I could just use a pan to heat up the water on the stove. Wow. I don’t know if this is better or worse than the time my key fob battery died and I couldn’t figure out how to get into my car … until it dawned on me that I could insert the key in the hole and turn it.

Can’t remember how much of this I shared and too lazy to go back and re-read the blog – so, in case you didn’t know, all you need in CA to be a substitute teacher is a Bachelor’s degree and a passing score on the CBEST test. Of course, you need to get your fingerprints taken and fill out an application too, but those are the two main requirements. Thinking that a sub teaching job would be a good flexible job for me to have while I write these next couple of books, I went out and signed up for the CBEST test. Now, this test contains three parts – the reading comprehension part wherein you read passages and then answer questions relating to the materials (you need to be seriously retarded to fail at this part), a basic math section (up to beginning algebra) and a writing section that consists of two essays.

I wasn’t sure about the math section and I thought, briefly, about studying for it but I do pretty well at standardized tests. I looked at a book once for about 20 minutes to refresh my brain on how to multiply fractions and find the area of a rectangle and that was about it. I was worried but when I took the test, I circled the ones that I simply had no idea how to solve at all and those only came to 4 out of 50 problems. So I figured I did ok.

Now the two essays, on the other hand, were difficult. Not just because they give you stupid ass topics which I am forbidden to share with you thanks to the NDA I signed when I took the test, but because they score you based on the standard 5-paragraph essay. That is, five paragraphs of descending importance each with a topic sentence and four supporting sentences. It’s what they teach in Freshman Comp classes and I suck at writing about lame subjects with a formulaic approach. One of the topics was so inane and mystifying that I sat and stared at the paper for 10 minutes, wracking my brain for something to write about. When I left I thought it would be hilarious if they failed me on the writing section.

I received my scores last Monday. I received the lowest possible score on the writing section while still passing. Meanwhile, I scored above average on the math and of course, did the best on reading. I just think it’s interesting that the test that qualifies teachers for this state has determined that I am a terrible writer but good at math. Further evidence that our school system is beyond fucked up. But in the end, I passed the test with flying colors and am well on my way to becoming a sub for the local school district (lock up your children!).

Now it’s Christmas Eve and my father is in surgery. I’m not feeling very festive obviously. I wish the whole season was over and it was back to Spring already. But anyway – merry whatever you celebrate to you and watch out for drunk drivers!

You know that friend who meets a guy/girl and then disappears from your life until they break up and then suddenly they are back wanting to go out all the time like BFFs? Yeah, that’s me and the guy I dumped you for is named “work coupled with seasonal affective disorder and self-loathing.”

I had to go back and read my last post because it’s been so long and was delighted to see that I wrote about the horrible woman on the bike path because it ties in nicely with the round-up of recent events I’m going to write about.

So, I joined a ladies pool league and played the rest of the season. For not having played pool seriously in about 14 years, I did ok with a 50% win rate. Our team made it into the play-offs, placing second in the division, which was cool. There’s a banquet this Saturday night where we will get some kind of recognition.

Meanwhile, my first published book came out and is now in bookstores everywhere – online, Barnes and Noble, Borders, etc… I managed to get my hands on my copies after it had already been out for almost a month. I admit, it looks great and it’s pretty fun to see all of my photography in print too.

I’m working on three new books new – yes, seriously. One travel, two technology. I realized that I really like writing the tech books a lot more than the travel but it’s a nice juxtaposition. By this time next year, I’ll have four published book to my credit plus two that I edited.

None of this has put a damper on my extreme existentialist crisis which as resulted in my signing up for classes at the local junior college. I don’t really have an interest in going for another degree, but I’m trying to gain some of my creativity back by taking writing and art classes plus fleshing out some of my freelance skills by adding in some computer nerd classes on website design and graphics.

A few weeks ago I took the CBEST test in order to qualify for a substitute teaching license, hoping to supplement my income with some other kind of freelance work – freelance teaching. I find out on the 21st if I passed the math section or not. I tried to study but it didn’t really work out. In CA, basically all you need is a passing score on this test and a degree and you can sub all the way up to high school.

Back to the horrible woman…well, it was Thanksgiving day and in a series of unfortunate events, my dog ended up biting her. Now, I think that this was because he’s old and senile and blind and mostly deaf and she was walking past us. I left the leash too slack, not being too concerned about him because he’s never had any altercations with anyone before, and then I supposed in his mind, she appeared right beside him so he bit her. This wasn’t followed by any kind of barking or lunging, he just bit her and then sat down, apparently satisfied that he conveyed his surprise and warned her from coming so close to him. Having been bit by this dog during a dog fight, I know that he nipped her and didn’t bite hard but it did tear her pants and draw a little blood. It was very upsetting for everyone, except the dog who was oblivious. I will admit to getting over my feelings of guilt rather quickly in light of the victim and the fact that he was on a leash and there was no way I could have prevented or predicted that he would taste-test any passersby. I bought him a muzzle for when we go out and the door got put into the shoebox I live in so that we don’t have to walk 3x per day. I’ve done my part to prevent a future occurrence. Now I know and knowing is half the battle.

I have been thinking about this blog for a while now and considering whether or not I want to continue with it, especially since I now have to pay for hosting. I think I will see if I can’t get back into the swing of things – it will probably do me some good to get back to writing something, anything that I’m not getting paid to.

Yeah, so anyway, that’s about all that’s been going on here. What’s new with you?

Well, things have settled down here at Silkwood – which is what I’ve named the new place thanks to the strange tap water. The hot water is highly sulpheric which means yes, it smells like rotten eggs and when it doesn’t, it has a metallic tang that reminds me of a past life where I used to bathe in the blood of virgins. Still, the high mineral content is kind of interesting and so far my hair and skin have felt okay about it. In fact, my hair is softer than ever.

Walking the dogs every day hasn’t been bad thanks to the nice weather but the other morning I ran into a preschool teacher with about six kids. They saw me coming up the small path leading to the trail and she decided to head right towards me – she actually decided it on the spot. I know this because she actually said, “oh let’s go this way, dear children.”

My dogs are not unfriendly to humans but I think with a sticky toddler finger in an eye, they might be so I dutifully move them off the path and back up onto the street to wait for them to pass. When they get to where we are waiting (waiting being the operative word here) she stops directly in front of me and starts fucking around with their jackets and mittens and shit. While I am standing there with my two dogs obviously WAITING to get by so we can get to the trail and everyone can take their morning dump. I have never wanted to punch someone in the face so much in my life. It was the first walk of the day which means I was already in a shitty mood because I was tired from being woken up at 5am for the two hour cat wrestling match and I hadn’t had my coffee yet because it’s important to me that the dogs go outside first thing. I hope I see her without the kids some day…

Meanwhile, the hot new fall accessory is a black plastic bag of dog feces.

Every day at 5am the cats fight and race around. Every day. Without fail. Sometimes they do it for an hour, sometimes two. I hate them. IN fact, living in a tiny studio with four animals is making me hate all animals and I can see that at the end one of three things will happen – I will become an animal abuser and beat my animals daily. Or I will end up taking them all to the pound. Or I will tough it out and when they finally all die, I will hate animals so much that I will never, ever adopt another animal as long as I live. Of course, there are good moments too, like when we all cuddle on the bed while watching cable TV – a luxury I haven’t had in years. I am pushing the limits of just how much NCIS and CSI one person can watch over any given period of time. I watched 7 episodes of Family Guy in a row the other night. Crazy.

I’ve had computer problems ever since my laptop died. The new one I bought to replace it crashed every ten minutes or so and made it impossible to do anything. Now I’ve got yet another new one and it seems to be working just fine. It has Windows 7 on it and I’m using the landscape theme which gives a slideshow of beautiful landscape photos on the desktop that change every few hours or days or something. What I like best are the sounds that the theme uses – one is like a heralding trumpet which makes me feel very important and the other is a sound they use frequently on my favorite show – OZ, so it always makes me think of prison rape. Ah Windows 7, you truly know the way to my heart!